Slay.me

A priest was called away for an emergency.  Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.  The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks “What did you do?”

The woman says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”  A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.

He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest:”How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times.  We have a special this week, three for five dollars.”

On the  morning of Rosh Hashanah as the congregation was filing into the Synagogue, Rabbi Liebenberg noticed little Max standing in the foyer of the Synagogue staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Boker Tov, Max.  ‘Boker Tov, Rabbi Liebenberg,’ he replied,  still focused on the plaque. ‘ Rabbi Liebenberg, what is this?’ he said, pointing to the plaque.

The good Rabbi tenderly put his arm around Max’s shoulder and said, ‘ Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Max, in a voice barely audible and trembling with fear asked:

‘Which service, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?’

There was a New York Rabbi.. His son got a job transfer to Louisiana.

Two weeks later, the son called the father:

Son: Dad, I met a girl and we’re gonna get married.

Dad: Son, you know what they say about those Southern Belles. They can’t cook, they can’t clean house, don’t make love, and she’s gonna call you Jew Boy for the rest of your life.

Son: I don’t care. I love her and I’m going to marry her..

Two weeks later, the son called the father again,

Son: Dad, I married her!

Dad: What about all the things I warned you about?

Son : Dad, she cooks like a dream, she keeps the house spic-&-span and loves sex.

Dad: What about the last thing?

Son: We came to an understanding…………..

She doesn’t call me Jew Boy, and I don’t call her Schvartza.