Slay.me

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

One day while on patrol a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.

He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.

The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde the works.

I’ve pulled you over for speeding ma’me…..could I see your drivers license…?

“…Whats a license…???” replied the blonde. instantly giving away the fact that she was as a stump.

Its usually in your wallet… replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes the driver managed to find it. Now may I see your registration!!! Asked the cop.

Registration….whats that…?asked the blonde.

Its usually in your glove compartment said the cop impatiently after some more fumbling she found the registration. Ill be back in a minute..

the cop said and walked back to his car.  The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the womans license and registration.

After a few moments the dispatcher came back. Ummm is this woman driving a red sports car.

Yes….Replied the officer.

Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde? asked the dispatcher.

Uh…Yes replied the cop.

Heres what you do…..said the dispatcher.

Give her stuff back and drop your pants.

WHAT!!!?Icant do that. Its ……..inappropriate..exclaimed the cop.

Trust me….Just do it..said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs….. Ohh no……not ANOTHER breathalyzer….

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds” . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.