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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she  Asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to Live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had Someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
Had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had Another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?”

God replied: “I didn’t bloody recognize you.”

Ed and Dorothy met  while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered  they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He  immediately started asking her out when they got  home.

Within a couple of  weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies,  and museums.  Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love.  Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of  their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine  restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can  tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship  continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life  changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read  about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.

If that’s going to  be a problem, for us, you’d better say so now!”

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t  be a problem. I love you as you  are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to  know that about the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

“Oh wow!   I see,” Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in  thought then he added, “You  know, it’s probably just because you’re not keeping your wrists straight  when you tee off.”

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies’ tee.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.   Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f–king lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!”

He never even had a chance to duck