Slay.me

A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany’s, and greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?’

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers, ‘Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to
shit when I tell you the price!

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes down stairs and sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty, “Who’s been eating my porridge?!!” he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it’s also empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “Oh for goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first. It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Momma Bear who made the coffee. It was Momma Bear who threw in a load of clothes. It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away. It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold morning to fetch the newspaper. It was Momma Bear who set the table. It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish. And now that you’ve decided to drag your lazy bodies downstairs and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good,cause I’m only going to say this one more time…”

“I Haven’t Made the Porridge Yet!!!!”

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. . .

‘You just happened to catch my eye.’