Slay.me

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife’s annoyance.

“You’ll fart your guts out one of these days,” she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy’s arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

“You was right all along Missus,” the old man says, “I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push ’em back in!”

Doctor, “What seems to be the problem?”

 
Patient, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,”

 
The Doctor nods, “Hmm.”

 
Patient, “My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?”
“Hmm,” says the Doctor,

 
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

 
The patient is thrilled “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”

 
“No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.  When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home  from work.  Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that  I would be late because I had to walk home.  On my way, I  passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was  more  than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew  it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:

‘Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.’

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the  telephone rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned  and  went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It  was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running  over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.  I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.  The stink was worse than cooked cabbage..

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,  I went on like this for another few minutes..

The pleasure was indescribable.  When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,  I quickly fanned the air a few more  times with my napkin, placed it on  my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased  with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.  He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests  seated around the table chorused: ‘Happy Birthday!’

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!