Posts Tagged ‘golf joke’
21
Jun

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $4.00
HAMBURGER: $7.00
CHEESEBURGER: $9.00golfer handjob
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $9.50
HAND JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

Will the old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

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17
Apr

Two  women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed  directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one  of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the  ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man,  and immediately began to apologize.. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical  Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told  him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man  replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping  his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed  her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened  his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage  for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

Feels great, he  replied; but I still think my thumb’s broken!

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07
Jul

Slay.me Joke of the DayOne day Terry decided to retire…

He booked himself on a Mexican Riviera cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from?  How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.  I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

Naturally our man is stunned beyond words.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As Terry looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home.  Sit down, please.”

“Would you like a drink?”

“No!  No thank you,” Terry blurts out, still dazed.  “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still.  How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, his head spinning, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”

No longer questioning anything, Terry goes upstairs into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he says to himself.  “What the hell could be next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.”Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

“We’ve both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. There’s something I’m certain you feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for, right?”  She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

“Holy Crap, you’ve built a Golf Course haven’t you?”

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