Slay.me

An elderly Scottish Jew decides to slow down and take up golf.

So he applies for membership at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been rejected.

So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, MacTavish.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear the kilt.
Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.  And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.  But this is the first time I’ve heard that you have to be a total prick to join a golf club.

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP…

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE… NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’ ‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’