Slay.me

Once upon a time,  a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new  Chief Samurai.  After a year, only three applied for  the job:  a Japanese, a Chinese, and a  Jewish Samurai.

“Demonstrate your skills!”  commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped  forward, opened a tiny box, and released a  fly.  He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly  divided in two!

“What a feat!” said the  Emperor.  “Number Two  Samurai, show me what you do.”

The Chinese samurai  smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box,  releasing a  fly.  He drew his  samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the  floor neatly quartered.

“That is skill!” nodded the  Emperor.  “How are  you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”

The  Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a  tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and  *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of  skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”

“Dead,” replied the Jewish Samurai!  “Dead is easy ~ but circumcised ?”

An elderly Scottish Jew decides to slow down and take up golf.

So he applies for membership at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been rejected.

So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, MacTavish.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear the kilt.
Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.  And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.  But this is the first time I’ve heard that you have to be a total prick to join a golf club.

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard – a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.  Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.  ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear.  And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.  Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb.  The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.  In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle!  I went out and I FOUND me a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.  We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.  So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb..We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus…Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.  The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, …….circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”