Slay.me

A  U.S. Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note

from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

‘Dear Captain: Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball.  I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.

They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.  They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.

One last point:  No Jews please.’

8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four smiling black officers.  Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,

‘There must be some mistake.’

‘No, Madam,’ said the first officer.

‘Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.’

1. A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi in Bnei Brak ( a town in Israel ). ” Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me,” she says. ”Who will be the lucky one?” The wise old Rabbi answers: ” Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.”

2. If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

3. My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.” I said, “Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I’m a schmuck?”

4. Jewish Marriage advice “Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But then, who would care?”

5. Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice. “Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man’s mistakes?” “No Morris, a man should not profit from another’s man mistakes” answered the rabbi. “Are you sure Rabbi?” “Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive” exclaimed the Rabbi. ”

Ok , Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?

6. The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

7. Jewish proverb: “A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

Moishe (the father)  says to his son: “I want you to marry a girl of my choice”. The son  says: “I will choose my own bride”.

Moishe says: “But the girl is  Bill Gates’ daughter”.
The son answers: “Well, in that case, yes  ok”.

Moishe then approaches Bill Gates and says: “I have a  husband for your daughter”.
Bill Gates answers: “But my daughter is too  young to get married”!

Moishe says: “But this young man is a  vice-president of the World Bank”.

Bill Gates answers: “Ah, in that  case, yes ok”.

Finally Moishe goes to see the president of  the World Bank. Moishe says: “I have a young man to be recommended as  a vice-president”.

The president answers: “But I already have  more vice-presidents than I need”.

Moishe says: “But  this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law”.

The President  answers: “Ah, in that case, yes ok.”

And that is how  successful Jews do business…