Slay.me

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man of Your House.” He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”

A very old couple that have been married forever are sitting on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband,
knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “For having a little pecker.”

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.

She crawls back and says, “What was that for?”

He says, “For knowing there was more than one size.”