Slay.me

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, I want to be Sophia Loren and *poof* she’s gone.

The second says, I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone.

The third says, I want to be Sara Pipalini..

St. Peter looks perplexed. Who? he asked.

Sara Pipalini, replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell. The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, No Sister, the paper says it was the ‘ Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?

Far from it, snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yards, par 5 -with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life.  I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hit a bird in mid-flight.

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate!  But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

To fathom what had happened, a squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swooped out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched
in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘No, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,fixed on the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

‘You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’