Slay.me

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $4.00
HAMBURGER: $7.00
CHEESEBURGER: $9.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $9.50
HAND JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

Will the old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

At  the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was  planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a  hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so  popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota , stands up and proclaims, “If the  rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with  a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in  appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and  lawyer, stands and says, “If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double  his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for  his children!”

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle  Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the rabbi stays, I will  give him sex!”  There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing,  asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you  to say that?”

Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to  hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from  side to side, while his wife replies:

“Well, I just asked my  husband how we could help, and he said, “Screw  him”.

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

“This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.   You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.   The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.”   Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn’t grow, they seek food from the sea.   The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

“Idiots…Hebrew is read from right to left… It says: ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick”