Slay.me

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his prostrate examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

‘Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked!

‘You asked your neighbor?’

The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

In a Jewish retirement home lived Murray and Hilda. They got to know each other over time and spent long hours getting to know each other.  Eventually, they became a couple, sitting together in the sun
every afternoon, holding hands…

One day Murray says to Hilda, “I know we’re to old to “do it” but another thing I really miss is having the woman in my life just holding my penis in her hands.  Makes me feel wanted and loved.”

Hilda say, “Sure, I would love to do that.”

So, time goes on and every afternoon the two of them sit out by the pool on a chaise lounge with Hilda tenderly holding Murray’s pecker in her hands…. Every day, every afternoon.

One day, going to meet for their afternoon session, Hilda can’t find Murray anywhere. She looks everywhere and asks everyone if they’ve seen him… No one’s seen him.

So, Hilda goes back by the pool area and decides to look in the poolside cabanas in the off chance he fell asleep…. She looks inside a few of them and lo and behold, she finds Murray inside with Sarah, sitting
together, with Murray’s pecker firmly in  Sarah’s hand……

Well, Hilda is outraged.  She starts screaming at the both of them, so much so that Sarah runs away… She then confronts Murray, wanting to
know why he betrayed her this was.  Murray had nothing to say, just took the verbal abuse….

Finally, Hilda summoned up all her nerve and screamed, “What’s Sarah go that I haven’t got?”

Murray composed himself, and finally said:

PARKINSON’S

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time..

‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.