Slay.me

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head “Yes” and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, “No” and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ”The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘You wanna sell that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.'”

So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, “Nope, not quite twenty pounds.”

He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, “This one’s twenty pounds!” He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, “You can’t weigh a pig like that!”

“Sure I can,” said the farmer, “Watch this.” He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, “This one weighs twenty pounds.”

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.

After five minutes, the boy returned alone. “She can’t come out just yet,” the boy said. “She’s weighing the mailman.”

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina.

The South Carolina Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”, demanded the
Agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3
years.

I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus
free room and board.

There’s the half-wit.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around
here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to…..the half-wit”, says the Agent.

“That would be me”, replied the farmer