A SCOTSMAN walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says…
“Honey, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
“If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, Not a pig.”
The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch,
You’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”
So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.
The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, “Nope, not quite twenty pounds.”
He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, “This one’s twenty pounds!” He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, “You can’t weigh a pig like that!”
“Sure I can,” said the farmer, “Watch this.” He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, “This one weighs twenty pounds.”
The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.
After five minutes, the boy returned alone. “She can’t come out just yet,” the boy said. “She’s weighing the mailman.”