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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go  before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there is only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them  gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular  reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and  says, ‘Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity’.

The Angel thanks Dolly,and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel  says, ‘OK, your Majesty, you may go in’.

Dolly is outraged and asks,’What was that all about? I show you two  of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down.  She spits into a commode and she gets in!Would you explain that to me?’

‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.”

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she  Asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to Live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had Someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
Had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had Another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?”

God replied: “I didn’t bloody recognize you.”

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God…

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95 and Windows Vista. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!”

Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.” “Fine, but where should I go first?” God said, “I’m going to leave that up to you.” Bill said, “OK, then, let’s try Hell first.” So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. “This is great!” he told God, “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!” “Fine,” said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. “Hmm, I think I prefer Hell” he told God. “Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked.

Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment, “This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”

God says, “That was the screen saver”.