Slay.me

“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.  She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.  I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.  He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.  It hit the man and killed him.

At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

“I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.

I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.  I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”Saint Peter couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

Saint Peter is still chuckling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

“I don’t know,” replies the man.  “Picture this, I’m naked, hiding in this cedar chest…

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

‘Honey, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’

‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?

“The barber looked around the shop full of customers  and said, “About  2 hours.” The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,  “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and half.” The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.” A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said…….

“Your house.”