Slay.me

An elderly couple go to a physician complaining of non-specific sexual dysfunction, and ask the doctor if he will watch them having sex to determine if anything is wrong.

After their romantic session, the MD assures them that everything seems fine and sends them on their way.

One week later, they are back with the same complaint, and perform under his judgemental eye once more.

Again, everything seems perfectly normal and he tells them so.

Again, in one week’s time, they appear and have sex while he watches. The MD, confused, tells them “Look, this is the third time you’ve been in here, and NOTHING is wrong with the way you make love! What’s really going on here?”

“Well,” the elderly gentleman replies, “you see, we’re both married, but not to each other. So I can’t go to her place, and she can’t go to my place. Now Howard Johnson’s charges $45 for a room, but you charge $35 for an office visit, plus we can write off 30% of this to Medicare.”

So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, “Nope, not quite twenty pounds.”

He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, “This one’s twenty pounds!” He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, “You can’t weigh a pig like that!”

“Sure I can,” said the farmer, “Watch this.” He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, “This one weighs twenty pounds.”

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.

After five minutes, the boy returned alone. “She can’t come out just yet,” the boy said. “She’s weighing the mailman.”

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers. The man says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid,” answers the woman.

“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.

The woman says, “I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

The man says, “Well, this is her husband. Is she there?” The woman replies,

“She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband.”

The man is fuming and says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”

The maid says, “What will I have to do?”

The man tells her, “I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she’s with.”

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone “What do I do with the bodies?”

The man says, “Throw them in the swimming pool.”

Puzzled, the maid answers, “But you don’t have a pool.”

A long pause and the man says, “Is this 567-5309?”