Slay.me

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked!

‘You asked your neighbor?’

The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

Old guys just want to be helpful.

I was in Lowe’s the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

I said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.  What does your wife look like?”

I said, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”

Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

It was Entertainment Night at the Old Folks home.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:

‘I’m here to put you all into a trance – I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience’.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

As the polished metal gleamed in the light, Claude the hypnotist said:

‘I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch…

It’s a very special watch…

It’s been in my family for six generations’.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

‘Watch the watch,  watch the watch,  watch the watch…’

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

‘SHIT!’ said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Old Folks home…