1. A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi in Bnei Brak ( a town in Israel ). ” Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me,” she says. ”Who will be the lucky one?” The wise old Rabbi answers: ” Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.”
2. If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?
3. My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.” I said, “Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I’m a schmuck?”
4. Jewish Marriage advice “Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But then, who would care?”
5. Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice. “Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man’s mistakes?” “No Morris, a man should not profit from another’s man mistakes” answered the rabbi. “Are you sure Rabbi?” “Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive” exclaimed the Rabbi. ”
Ok , Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?
6. The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
7. Jewish proverb: “A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.