A man was on his deathbed. With a pityful gasp,
he managed to whisper, “I have one last request, my dear.”
“Of course,” his wife replied, clutching his hand.
“Six months after I die, I would like you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob !”
“I do.”
A couple were celebrating 50 years together.. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one …. ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father. “The important thing is that we’re all together today.”
Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything..”
After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”
The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yep,” said the father. “And cheap ones too.”
A SCOTSMAN walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says…
“Honey, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
“If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, Not a pig.”
The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch,
You’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”