Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes’ Category

20
Dec

Bullet Babies

Slay.me Joke of the DayA pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. They’re fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”

As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says “Mommy, I’ve done a very weird thing!”

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, “I passed a bullet into the toilet.” The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!” The mother says, “Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, “Yes, how did you know?”

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

“You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”

“No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog.”

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18
Dec

The Pesky Bee Joke

Slay.me Joke of the DayOne day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina!” The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.” The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.”

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?” The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”

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16
Dec

Twas the Night before a Shitty Christmas

shitty-santaTwas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse,

Mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I’d just settled down
for a nice piece of ass,

When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my peice
to see what was the matter,

Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be St. Nick,

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the fucker had fell,

He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother,the queer,

He rose up the chimney
with a thunerous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart,

He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
Piss on you all
and have a hell of a night!

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