Slay.me

One night, two Eskimos are sitting in a bar in northern Alaska, when they are accosted by a young man from the Mainland. The fellow has obviously been drinking. He slurs, “Hey, ya know, I’ve always admired you Eskimos. I REEAAALLLY like Eskimos. I’ve ALWAYS WANTED to be an Eskimo. Tell me how ta BE an Eskimo, huh?”

The Eskimos wink at each other. One tells the guy, “Okay, to become an Eskimo, there are only three things that you have to do. First, you’ve got to drink a whole bottle of Yukon Jack at once, then you’ve got to kill a polar bear with your bare hands, and, finally, you have to make love to an Eskimo woman.”

The guy takes this in. He ticks off three fingers to himself. Then he heads over to the bar, and orders a bottle of Yukon Jack. Already drunk, he drinks the whole thing down. This has a bad effect on his balance. The fellow staggers out of the bar, muttering something like “Polar bear, Polar bear…”

Several hours pass.

Finally, the door to the bar opens, and the drunk is back. He looks a fright. His parka is ripped, one of his arms is dangling at a crazy angle, and he’s got blood all over his face. He staggers over to the Eskimos, and says, “ALL right. I’ve got the Yukon Jack. I’ve got the polar bear. Now WHERE’S THIS ESKIMO BITCH I’VE GOTTA KILL?”

There was an Italian immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real “miser” when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Italian wife…”When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there – dressed in black, (what else), and her best friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a moment!”

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, “Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m an Italian Catholic & I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him.”

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, I wrote him a check…. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.”

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed for the proper usage of Bank ATM Machines. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:
 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
 2. Put down your car window.
 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
 6. Put window up.
 7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
 1. Drive up to cash machine.
 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the  machine.
 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate  card.
 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
 8. Insert card.
 9. Re-insert card the right way.
 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the  inside back page.
 11. Enter PIN.
 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
 13. Enter amount of cash required.
 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of  checkbook.
 18. Re-check makeup.
 19. Drive forward 2 feet.
 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
 21. Retrieve card.
 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot  provided!
 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
 25. Redial person on cell phone.
 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
 27. Release Parking Brake.