Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes’ Category

04
May

Wife’s Financial Investments

Slay.me Joke of the DayThe lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news…”

The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve    just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

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30
Apr

Getting Pulled Over

Joke of the DayThe policeman approaches the drivers door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

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14
Apr

The Bear and the Bar Bitch

confused-bearA bear goes into a bar, he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him. he then calmly orders a beer.

The bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve drug users in here”.

“but I don’t do drugs”

“what about that barbitchyouate”

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