Slay.me

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came ’round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake.  Paddy stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Confused as well as furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

‘Grandma,’ he asked, “It’s my 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked into Paddy’s troubled brown eyes and said, “That would be because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen.  You were born in August, you idiot.

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea, it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.

I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refunded for myself.

‘ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose and another, then another…..

The husband says, ‘Good Grief! “You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.

‘Yeah right!’ she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.  Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.  The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins
snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue  ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles.  Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, ‘I don’t know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!