What differentiates females aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 — You put her to bed and read her a story.
At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
At 78 — What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Lord Nelson is on his flagship HMS Victory and from the crow’s nest comes the shout “Spanish galleon on the starboard bow!”
Nelson says to his cabin boy,
Go to my cabin, lad, and bring me my red coat then if I am wounded in battle the crew will not see my blood and will carry on fighting.
Suddenly the cry comes from the crow’s nest,
“Another fifty Spanish galleons on the starboard bow!”
Nelson shouts down to his cabin boy
“Bring my brown cords while you’re down there!”