Slay.me

A traveling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn’t sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

“Sure,” said the farmer. “I’ve got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I’ve only got one bed, so you’ll have to sleep with me.”

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn’t get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn’t understand.

“Here’s how it works,” said the farmer. “Everytime you fart, it’s a touchdown.” The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted…and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

“What’ll we do now?” exclaimed the salesman.

“Halftime. Switch sides.”

A couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married  couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’ 

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this may never come again. I’m
sorry, honey, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’ 

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and….poof!

The husband became 92 years old.

Dear  Abby,

My husband has a  long record of money problems. He says pay the minimum and let our kids  worry about the rest, but we can hardly keep up with the interest. He  has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors, most of them no  longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch to whom he has  been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even  more.  Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with the  Baptists and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ  and the next he’s on his knees 5 times a day with Muslims. He’s also demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

It’s horribly  creepy! Can you help?

Signed,
Lost

Dear  Lost,

Suck it up and  stop whining, Michelle. You live in the White House for free (with your mother), travel the world and have others pay for everything. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot  for 2 more years.

Signed,
Abby