Slay.me

Dear  Abby,

My husband has a  long record of money problems. He says pay the minimum and let our kids  worry about the rest, but we can hardly keep up with the interest. He  has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors, most of them no  longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch to whom he has  been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even  more.  Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with the  Baptists and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ  and the next he’s on his knees 5 times a day with Muslims. He’s also demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

It’s horribly  creepy! Can you help?

Signed,
Lost

Dear  Lost,

Suck it up and  stop whining, Michelle. You live in the White House for free (with your mother), travel the world and have others pay for everything. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot  for 2 more years.

Signed,
Abby

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

”I am so sorry Bob.  I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.  I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around.  In fact, more than you.  I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect.  I meant “wifi”, not “wife”.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of  breath he asked, ‘Please, may I hide under your skirt.  I’ll explain later.’

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,   Sister, have you seen a soldier?’

The nun replied, ‘He went that way.’

After the MP’s ran off, the soldier  crawled out from under her skirt and said, ‘I can’t thank you enough   Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq ….’

The nun said, ‘I understand completely.’

The soldier added, ‘I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!’

The nun replied,  ‘If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair  of balls….I don’t want to go to Iraq  either !!