A Jewish guy in a London Hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for the number “266419”.
A short time later there is a knock at the door, and, when he opens the door, he sees two beautiful and sexy girls, who ask him: “Are you the guy who ordered: “two shikses for one night?””
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, “If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!”
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!”
There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”
Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, “Screw him.”
It is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. An angel peers off a cloud, looking far down below onto a golf course, and what does he see? Why, it’s a rabbi. And he’s playing golf on Yom Kippur.
“Lordy, lordy, there’s a rabbi down there playing golf on the holiest day of the year…” the angel cries, as he jabs big G in the ribs.
“…Whatcha gonna do ?”
“Oh, I’ll fix him, watch this!” cackles the Lord.
So the angel watches the rabbi as he lifts his golf club high over his shoulder, preparing to tee off. WHACK! goes his ball, high into the air, higher, higher, higher, and then it seems to stop in mid air, and then slowly accelerate back down towards… towards… towards…? Towards the hole, and PLUNK, a hole in one.
“Hey, I thought you were going to punish him. He just got a hole in one!” complains the angel.
“You don’t understand…” replies God, “…who can he tell??”