Slay.me

An  18 year old Jewish girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test kit.   The  test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting  and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did  this to you?  I want to know!”  Without  answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He enters the living room with the father, mother, and the  girl and tells them, “Good  morning. Your  daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but
I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs  and provide for your daughter for the rest  of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I  will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account.  If  a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a
$25,000,000 bank account.

However, if  there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?”

The  mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand  firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him….

“So, you’ll try again!”

A traveling salesman drove into a  small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: ‘Don’t Miss  The Amazing Jew.’

The intrigued  salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big  Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.  Standing next to it was an old Jewish Man wearing a name tag with  the name ‘Morty’ written on it.

Suddenly,  Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest penis any man  could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty  swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish  man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava  Nagila.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same  little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign  that read, ‘Don’t Miss The Amazing Jew’.

He couldn’t  believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his  act!  He bought a ticket.  Again, the center ring was  illuminated.  This time, however, instead of walnuts, three  coconuts were placed on the table. There stood Morty before  them.  Suddenly, the drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants and  smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The  crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a  meeting with Morty after the show.  ‘You’re incredible’ he  told Morty, ‘but I have to know something.  I saw your act 15  years ago and you were using walnuts.  Why the switch from  walnuts to coconuts ?’

‘Vell I tell ya sompin,’ said  Morty, ‘my eyes ain’t vat day used to be’

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, “How are things going?”
“Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren’t any flowers, so I can’t make honey.”
“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.”
“Thanks for the tip!” said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again.
The first bee asked, “How’d it go?”
“Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table! I made my quota easily.”
“Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.
“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”