Slay.me

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named  Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a  spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he  invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude  he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”

She paused for a second,  frowned, and replied, “No.”

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the  rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks,  “You finish?”

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,  cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No.”

Stunned, but damned if he  was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet  again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end  together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted,  Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks  into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, “You finish?”

Barely  able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, “No, I Norwegian”.

So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, “Nope, not quite twenty pounds.”

He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, “This one’s twenty pounds!” He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, “You can’t weigh a pig like that!”

“Sure I can,” said the farmer, “Watch this.” He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, “This one weighs twenty pounds.”

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.

After five minutes, the boy returned alone. “She can’t come out just yet,” the boy said. “She’s weighing the mailman.”

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers. The man says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid,” answers the woman.

“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.

The woman says, “I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

The man says, “Well, this is her husband. Is she there?” The woman replies,

“She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband.”

The man is fuming and says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”

The maid says, “What will I have to do?”

The man tells her, “I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she’s with.”

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone “What do I do with the bodies?”

The man says, “Throw them in the swimming pool.”

Puzzled, the maid answers, “But you don’t have a pool.”

A long pause and the man says, “Is this 567-5309?”