Slay.me

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.lust took over.

” The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

There was this fat man who wanted to lose some weight, so he went to a weight loss clinic and asked about their deals. The clinic told him that they had three deals. The first one cost $100, the second one $200 and the third one cost $500. Since this man was quite desperate to lose weight, he ordered the first deal and gave them $100.

The clinic had the man swim around in a pool. After the man got out, he then proceeded to the sauna. Where, as he was waiting, a naked lady entered the sauna. Around her head was a sign that said, “If you catch me you can have sex with me!” Seeing this, the man raced around the sauna in an attempt to catch her. However, much to his dismay, the time expired (to catch her) and he went home disheartened. However, he was quite elated after noticing he lost 10 pounds. So he went back to the weight loss clinic and asked for their $200 deal.

The clinic happily obliged and had him swim around in the pool, get out and proceed to the sauna. After waiting several minutes, an extremely gorgeous naked lady, even more beautiful than before, entered. Again, this lady had a sign tied around her head reading, “If you catch me you can have sex with me.” Of course as the fat man saw this he instantly got up and chased her with a passion. Unfortunately, the girl was much to swift for him and he was unable to catch her before the time expired. Again, he went home disheartened but again, was delighted to discover he had lost 20 pounds. Of course by this time, he was so satisfied with the clinic’s weight loss program, that he ran back and requested the $500 deal.

Again the clinic happily obliged and had him swim around the same pool, and after swimming for some time, he proceeded to the sauna. Upon waiting for several minutes in the sauna, he was expecting Ms. Gorgeous U.S.A. to walk in any minute as the two before had. Instead, in walked a gorilla who had a sign on him that said, “If I catch you, I get to have sex with you!”

Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:

“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time.”

“Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.”