Posts Tagged ‘taxes’
15
Apr

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to  audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to  the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way…

“Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? ”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service.”

“Internal Revenue Service?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “Internal Revenue Service. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

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18
Nov

Slay.me Joke of the DayDear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty ‘Obama’ bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change……I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

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22
May

Slay.me Joke of the DayThe Aust Tax Office (ATO) decided to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office.
The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the ATO finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

 

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

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