Posts Tagged ‘wal-mart’
04
Nov

Walmart Greeter Gets Fired

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart.”

I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Don’t be f**ing stupid. Of course they aren’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’ s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone f**ked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”

My Supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

By: Roger Banner

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28
Nov

Slay.me Joke of the DayAfter I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local WalMart.

 

walmart

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.   June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2.   July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

3.   July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4.    July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.    August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.    August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7.    August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.    August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9.   September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.  September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.  October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12.  October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of 20 funnels.

13.  October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14.  October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15.  October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

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26
Dec

50 Fun things to do at Walmart

Slay.me Joke of the DayI hope you had a great holiday season, here are 50 fun things you can try at walmart while everyone is returning their christmas gifts this year!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi. I haven’t seen you in so long.” etc. See if they play along.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap anyway?!”

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow, magic!”

20. Put M&M’s on layaway.

21. Move “Caution : Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “I’m Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave.”

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling “Red Rover.”

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies.”

41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc.

44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, “No, no, its those voices again.”

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don’t get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS*

1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without getting kicked out.

2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you can make.

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