Posts Tagged ‘walmart’
04
Nov

Walmart Greeter Gets Fired

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart.”

I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Don’t be f**ing stupid. Of course they aren’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’ s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone f**ked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”

My Supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

By: Roger Banner

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28
Nov

Slay.me Joke of the DayAfter I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local WalMart.

 

walmart

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.   June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2.   July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

3.   July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4.    July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.    August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.    August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7.    August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.    August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9.   September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.  September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.  October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12.  October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of 20 funnels.

13.  October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14.  October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15.  October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

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13
Jul

Walmart Condoms

A man was in a long line at Walmart.  As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, ‘What size condoms?’

The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, ‘One box of large condoms, Register 5.’

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, ‘One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.’

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to t he register he told the checker he need ed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said…

‘Cleanup, Register 5’

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