Archive for the ‘Jewish Jokes’ Category

26
Jan

Slay.me Joke of the DayA Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard – a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.  Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.  ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear.  And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.  Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb.  The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.  In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle!  I went out and I FOUND me a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.  We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.  So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb..We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus…Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.  The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, …….circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

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17
Dec

Dating a Jewish Widow

Slay.me Joke of the DaySadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly  calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend  in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does.  There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: “Why the black panties?”

She replies: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but, down there I am still in mourning.” He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.

The following night, the same scenario…

He’s standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit…  except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks:  “What’s with this…a black condom?”

He replies: “I want to make a Shiva call.”

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16
Dec

Merry Jewish Christmas!

Slay.me Joke of the DayThe Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves… And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all go to the Bahamas .”

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