Slay.me

A priest was called away for an emergency.  Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.  The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks “What did you do?”

The woman says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”  A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.

He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest:”How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times.  We have a special this week, three for five dollars.”

An Italian man said , “Last week, my wife and I had great sex.  I rubbbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love,  and she screamed for a five full minutes at the  end.”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed  her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”

The Jewish man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.  I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours.”

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for over six hours?”

The Jewish man said, “I wiped my hands on the bedspread.”

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said,  “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston  ”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going  to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his  composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of  myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman  became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I  shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name..”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.