Slay.me

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, “How are things going?”
“Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren’t any flowers, so I can’t make honey.”
“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.”
“Thanks for the tip!” said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again.
The first bee asked, “How’d it go?”
“Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table! I made my quota easily.”
“Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.
“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah  Winfrey. Oprah asked,’ Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.’

Mr. Burns said, ‘I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.’

Oprah said, ‘I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.’

George said, ‘Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.’

Oprah said, ‘I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?’

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, ‘I just don’t believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarka ble man.’

George said, ‘The second time is even better than the first tim”

Oprah said, ‘You can really do it again at your age?’

George said, ‘Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.’

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, ‘Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time.. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!’

George said That the third time would be even better. ‘You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.’

Oprah said, ‘Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?’

George said, ‘No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!’

The missus was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

Her husband walked in; she turned to him and said, You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’

His eyes lit up and he thought, ‘This is my lucky day!’

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her And then gave it his all, Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, “Thanks,” And returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained,

“The egg timer’s broken.”