Slay.me

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye….It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought….

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you my son?’

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….’

‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door..’

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple formal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey , what’s for dinner?”

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Ralph, for the FIFTH time, it’s CHICKEN!”

At dawn the telephone rings,

“Hello, Señor Rod? This  is Ernesto, the caretaker  at your country house.”

“Ah  yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I  am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn!

That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he  die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the  water cart.”

“Are you insane?? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle  fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell?? Are you  saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!”

“Yes, Señor Rod..”

“But there’s electricity at the house!!  What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Señor Rod”, she  showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit  her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.”

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . ..

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!”