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Three men died and went to heaven. Upon their arrival, St. Peter asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. St. Peter told him that he could receive only a compact car to drive in heaven.

Then St. Peter asked the second man if he had been faithful to his wife and the man admitted to one affair. St. Peter told him he would be given a midsize car to drive.

The third man was asked about his faithfulness, and he told St. Peter he had been true to his wife until the day he died. St. Peter praised him and gave him a luxury car.

A week later the three men were driving around, and they all stopped at a red light. The men in the compact and midsize cars turned to see the man in the luxury car crying. They asked him what could possibly be the matter–after all, he was driving a luxury car.

“I just passed my wife,” he told them, “and she was on a skateboard.”

The economy is so bad  that…

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who had nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly paid job now is jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “Finish  your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?”

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally…

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Hey, neat! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear!

There was this fat man who wanted to lose some weight, so he went to a weight loss clinic and asked about their deals. The clinic told him that they had three deals. The first one cost $100, the second one $200 and the third one cost $500. Since this man was quite desperate to lose weight, he ordered the first deal and gave them $100.

The clinic had the man swim around in a pool. After the man got out, he then proceeded to the sauna. Where, as he was waiting, a naked lady entered the sauna. Around her head was a sign that said, “If you catch me you can have sex with me!” Seeing this, the man raced around the sauna in an attempt to catch her. However, much to his dismay, the time expired (to catch her) and he went home disheartened. However, he was quite elated after noticing he lost 10 pounds. So he went back to the weight loss clinic and asked for their $200 deal.

The clinic happily obliged and had him swim around in the pool, get out and proceed to the sauna. After waiting several minutes, an extremely gorgeous naked lady, even more beautiful than before, entered. Again, this lady had a sign tied around her head reading, “If you catch me you can have sex with me.” Of course as the fat man saw this he instantly got up and chased her with a passion. Unfortunately, the girl was much to swift for him and he was unable to catch her before the time expired. Again, he went home disheartened but again, was delighted to discover he had lost 20 pounds. Of course by this time, he was so satisfied with the clinic’s weight loss program, that he ran back and requested the $500 deal.

Again the clinic happily obliged and had him swim around the same pool, and after swimming for some time, he proceeded to the sauna. Upon waiting for several minutes in the sauna, he was expecting Ms. Gorgeous U.S.A. to walk in any minute as the two before had. Instead, in walked a gorilla who had a sign on him that said, “If I catch you, I get to have sex with you!”