Posts Tagged ‘diet’

The Purina Diet Joke of the DayYesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

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The New Diet Plan Joke of the DayThere was this fat man who wanted to lose some weight, so he went to a weight loss clinic and asked about their deals. The clinic told him that they had three deals. The first one cost $100, the second one $200 and the third one cost $500. Since this man was quite desperate to lose weight, he ordered the first deal and gave them $100.


The clinic had the man swim around in a pool. After the man got out, he then proceeded to the sauna. Where, as he was waiting, a naked lady entered the sauna. Around her head was a sign that said, “If you catch me you can have sex with me!” Seeing this, the man raced around the sauna in an attempt to catch her. However, much to his dismay, the time expired (to catch her) and he went home disheartened. However, he was quite elated after noticing he lost 10 pounds. So he went back to the weight loss clinic and asked for their $200 deal.


The clinic happily obliged and had him swim around in the pool, get out and proceed to the sauna. After waiting several minutes, an extremely gorgeous naked lady, even more beautiful than before, entered. Again, this lady had a sign tied around her head reading, “If you catch me you can have sex with me.” Of course as the fat man saw this he instantly got up and chased her with a passion. Unfortunately, the girl was much to swift for him and he was unable to catch her before the time expired. Again, he went home disheartened but again, was delighted to discover he had lost 20 pounds. Of course by this time, he was so satisfied with the clinic’s weight loss program, that he ran back and requested the $500 deal.


Again the clinic happily obliged and had him swim around the same pool, and after swimming for some time, he proceeded to the sauna. Upon waiting for several minutes in the sauna, he was expecting Ms. Gorgeous U.S.A. to walk in any minute as the two before had. Instead, in walked a gorilla who had a sign on him that said, “If I catch you, I get to have sex with you!”

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