Slay.me

An elderly lady decided to give  herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in  one of London’s most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning,  the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know  why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly  aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop  without even breakfast.”
The clerk told her that  $250.00  is the ‘standard rate’ so she insisted on speaking to the  Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned  by the desk clerk announced: “The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a  huge conference center which are available for use.”
“But I didn’t use them,” she said.

“Well, they are here, and  you could have,” explained the  Manager.

He went on to explain that she  could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is  famous. “We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and  Aberdeen performing here,” the Manager said.

“But I didn’t go to any  of those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could  have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager  mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use  it!”

The Manager was unmoved, so she  decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The  Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.  “But madam,  this check is only made out for $50.00.” “That’s correct. I charged  you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she  replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the very  surprised Manager..

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you  could have.”

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water.  Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Idiot!  I do not need an over-priced tie.  I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.  I will show you that I am bigger than that.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.   It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said,

“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.  So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons.  I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.”