Archive for the ‘Shopping Jokes’ Category

20
Mar

A nice old lady was shopping in the Supermarket where she picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.  They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.”

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.  The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, “That smells like shit.”

The little old lady said, “It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper.”

Don’t mess with old people.

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10
Mar

Polish Sausage

A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?”

The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage , would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

“Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

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28
Nov

Slay.me Joke of the DayAfter I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local WalMart.

 

walmart

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.   June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2.   July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

3.   July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4.    July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.    August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.    August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7.    August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.    August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9.   September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.  September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.  October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12.  October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of 20 funnels.

13.  October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14.  October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15.  October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

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