Slay.me

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.. He sits down next to her, and asks her: “Can we have sex?”

“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God.” She stands up, and gets off at the next stop..

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

“I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!”

“Yeah?”, says the hippie.

“Yeah!”, say the bus driver. “She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.”

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

“I am God,” he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.  “Have sex with me.”

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

“Ha-ha,” he cries. “I’m the hippie!”

“Ha-ha,” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver!

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.  When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home  from work.  Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that  I would be late because I had to walk home.  On my way, I  passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was  more  than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew  it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:

‘Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.’

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the  telephone rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned  and  went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It  was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running  over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.  I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.  The stink was worse than cooked cabbage..

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,  I went on like this for another few minutes..

The pleasure was indescribable.  When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,  I quickly fanned the air a few more  times with my napkin, placed it on  my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased  with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.  He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests  seated around the table chorused: ‘Happy Birthday!’

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A professor at the University of Arkansas is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost.

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

Fifteen students raise their hands. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost.

3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Bubba The Redneck way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, “Well, so tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

To which Bubba The Redneck replied, “Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said “Goats”!!