A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Irv.”
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a nickel.”
Her mother says,
“You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away…
Over 45 cents?”
Now that’s a Jewish mother!!!
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo Clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and Drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, But standing up..
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna Tell his Vife?”
They cut the cards.. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any Worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my Middle Name. Leave it to me.”
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer’s condo and knocks on the door.
The wife Answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is Afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Goldberg.*
An elderly Scottish Jew decides to slow down and take up golf.
So he applies for membership at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been rejected.
So he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, MacTavish.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear the kilt.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I’ve heard that you have to be a total prick to join a golf club.