Slay.me

GOOD:  A Bend, Oregon, policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem–a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read ‘RADAR TRAP AHEAD.’ The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER:  A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton , Oregon . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:  A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper’s Ball.” He replied, ” Oregon State Troopers don’t have Balls.” There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.  They were not in my pockets.  A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.  Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen.  As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right.     The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all,

“Honey,” I stammered; I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.

“Idiot”, she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent.

Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

Yep it’s the golden years….!!!

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.? Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”