Slay.me

At  the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was  planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a  hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so  popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota , stands up and proclaims, “If the  rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with  a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in  appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and  lawyer, stands and says, “If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double  his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for  his children!”

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle  Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the rabbi stays, I will  give him sex!”  There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing,  asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you  to say that?”

Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to  hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from  side to side, while his wife replies:

“Well, I just asked my  husband how we could help, and he said, “Screw  him”.

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

“This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.   You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.   The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.”   Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn’t grow, they seek food from the sea.   The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

“Idiots…Hebrew is read from right to left… It says: ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick”

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to  audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to  the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way…

“Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? ”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service.”

“Internal Revenue Service?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “Internal Revenue Service. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”