Three mice sit in a bar. The first one brags, “I am one bad ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of all of them.”
The second one brags, “Well, I’m a bad ass mouse too. In my hood, I mix rat poison with my milk and chug it down every night before I go to bed.”
The third gets up and starts to leave. The other two mice both yell, “Hey chicken, where do you think you’re going?”
The third one replies, “Going home to screw the cat.”
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”
To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, “If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn’t worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife smiles, “Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!”