Three mice sit in a bar. The first one brags, “I am one bad ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of all of them.”
The second one brags, “Well, I’m a bad ass mouse too. In my hood, I mix rat poison with my milk and chug it down every night before I go to bed.”
The third gets up and starts to leave. The other two mice both yell, “Hey chicken, where do you think you’re going?”
The third one replies, “Going home to screw the cat.”
A rabbit and a snake, both blind from birth, happen to meet in the forest one day. They get to talking and the rabbit asks the snake, “Would you mind running your hands (not knowing what a snake looks like) over my body and telling me what kind of an animal I am? I’m too embarrassed to ask my near-sighted friends because I’m afraid they’ll make fun of me.”
The snake says, “Okay,” and proceeds to wind himself around the rabbit from one end to the other, then back again. “Well,” the snake says, “You’re kind of warm with real soft fur and you have two very long, fury ears.”
The rabbit thinks about that for a moment and then exclaims, “W O W! I must be a bunny!” and he hops around and hops around and starts hopping away.
“Wait!” shouts the snake, “What about me? Come back here and do the same thing for me!”
The rabbit hops over and with his fury little paws, pats the snake from one end to the other and then back again. He sits down without saying a word.
“Well?” asks the snake, “What kind of animal an I?”
“I’m not really sure,” says the rabbit. “You’re kind of cold and slimy, and for the life of me, I can’t tell your head from your ass.”
The snake thinks and thinks about this, then exclaims, “W O W! I must be a lawyer!”
So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.
The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, “Nope, not quite twenty pounds.”
He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, “This one’s twenty pounds!” He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, “You can’t weigh a pig like that!”
“Sure I can,” said the farmer, “Watch this.” He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, “This one weighs twenty pounds.”
The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.
After five minutes, the boy returned alone. “She can’t come out just yet,” the boy said. “She’s weighing the mailman.”