Slay.me

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’

‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’

The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.

‘Same,’ says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’

‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the r ight amount of money would always be there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man..

The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say….’

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate.  So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn’t believe!

They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men.  And of course, traffic started backing up.  Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me.  I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What’s going on here?”

“My car has a flat tire,” I said calmly.

“Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know.  So I told him, “Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!”

An  18 year old Jewish girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test kit.   The  test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting  and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did  this to you?  I want to know!”  Without  answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He enters the living room with the father, mother, and the  girl and tells them, “Good  morning. Your  daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but
I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs  and provide for your daughter for the rest  of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I  will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account.  If  a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a
$25,000,000 bank account.

However, if  there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?”

The  mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand  firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him….

“So, you’ll try again!”